"Would you go through that whole year again? If you had the choice, the chance, would you repeat everything with him again?"
She took a moment to think about it and wondered if she actually would have the heart to do it again. To love him and then let him walk out of her life. “Yes, I would.”
"Everything? All the pain?"
She sighed and moved up in her seat, “He - we -… He hurt me a lot, that’s true. I’d go home most days wanting to melt into my bed and never get up and cry my eyes out because he did so much to inflict pain on me. But the thing is, I don’t think he knew he had that effect on me.”
"But with all the pain you’ve had to bear, knowing you’d have to go through that again, why would you?"
"Because I loved him," she said simply, sadly looking at the floor. "The bad memories… I wouldn’t have the good ones without the bad ones."
"He wasn’t worth you," he fought back.
"It didn’t matter. He made me feel like everything was okay. And sometimes, especially in the first months, he wanted me just as much as I wanted him. I’d miss him every night. He made me laugh with his stupid jokes when they weren’t even funny. I put him so high in the sky, he wouldn’t come back down to me."
She shifted and fumbled with her shirt with her thumb. “I tried hating him. I was so mad because we never had the possibilities that he had with the other girl. He was not happy at all in this city and I felt like it was my fault when he got moody and angry. But it was not. I couldn’t change the fact that we weren’t able to do the things that we should have done, because it was simply not possible. We could never go out with his friends or my friends, we could never make trips to the sea, walk through the forest, have sex in a tent and lay on fields while drinking beer and talking about everything and anything, we just missed out all the fun stuff and he never experienced how I act in these kind of situations. I Fucking love road trips, we were never able to do them. It would have been so much fun. I was never able to hold his hand in a roller coaster and I never dressed up for him with beautiful dresses, so we could go to a fancy nightclub or to a delicious restaurant. I love dancing. I wished I could have made him proud of his baby girl, but I never had the chance. I would have loved for him to say: “That girl over there in the red dress, that’s my girl.” It was not my fucking fault that I don’t live in his hometown being surrounded by everything and everyone he loves. It was not my fault that he only got to see very few parts of my character. I was so mad because I felt like he didn’t know me after all this time. He had a completely wrong picture of me. And the worst thing is, I think he didn’t even notice. I’m so much more than the little girl who prefers to cuddle up beside him all night. I love being wild and free and making crazy plans.”She took a deep breath. “But damn, I was so tired of letting him get to me like that. At a certain point, I did hate him. I hated his guts. I wanted to spit in his face every time I’d see him. But then during lunch, he’d make me laugh over something as stupid as him dropping his food and we’d be okay then. It was a cycle that wouldn’t stop. So eventually, I stopped trying anything, I just let it happen. I let him think what he wanted of me. Since he didn’t get to know my whole personality, he’ll never know what we could have been. Iam pretty sure he would have loved the parts of me that he never got to see. And I believe our characters would have fit perfectly. But it doesn’t matter, because now, we’ll never be able to find out.”
"Are you over him now?"
"I like to think I am," she whispered, "but there are days I miss him. If I see one of his friends, my chest tightens. When I think of his sister, I get jealous because she knows him in ways I won’t ever. But… I think if he came back, I’d be able to stay away long enough for me not to start shaking every time he came around anymore.
He grabbed her hand softly, and looked at her in ways the boy she had loved for the past year never did, “Don’t let him hurt you again.”
"I would go through it again," she repeated. "It doesn’t matter how much it hurt the first time. I’d do it a thousand times just to be close to him again. Just to be able to smell him again, be able to hug him, watch him laugh so hard the table vibrates."
"Fuck him," he snapped, his eyes growing dark.
"Yeah," she laughed softly, lacing their fingers. "Fuck him. Because you’re here and he’s not. And that’s all that really matters now."”